On: Leaving Early.

An Irish Goodbye & the art of overthinking

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always left the function early. I would rather sneak out the back door than stay past my social expiration, or worse, have to say goodbye.

Goodbyes always come with judgment and the inevitable questioning of, “Why are you leaving?”

Because I want to go home, because being around this many people gives me crippling anxiety, because my initial buzz has worn off, becuase this isn’t fun anymore. Call it what you will, maybe I just can’t hang anymore.

But, if you told me to stay, for one more drink, one more round, one more song… I would, awkwardly, I would, and you would know that my excuse was bullshit and that I was lying out of my ass the whole time. That I could stay, if I wanted to. That I wasn’t tethered to this pole of leaving at 10 pm.

There have been times I’ve stayed, of course. But those times are with people who know me too deeply inside and out that 1. I couldn’t get away with it, and 2. my internal voice has been diluted from stimulation – laughter, drawing on old memories, getting down to the root causes, having the “what’s the purpose of life” conversations.

Ironically, my birthday is on St. Patrick’s Day, and I’ve proudly adopted the Irish Goodbye. You can say it runs in my blood. Or lineage? Or an invisible string that has always made me the center of a social life that I’m at the same time too anxious to be part of.

Despite what people may think, I will continue to leave early if I so wish. I’m sure other chronic Irish-Goodbyers don’t overthink their abrupt exits as much as I do, because they didn’t care about what people thought when they left in the first place.

But not me, oh no, I will overthink. Maybe my overthinking leads me to want to leave early. What comes first? To overthink the situation and want to leave, or to want to leave, only to overthink why you feel that way?

For that exact reason, I must leave –

I will leave you with a Djo song, because I did just see him at ACL and did indeed have to leave early because I got overstimulated at the function. Do I regret leaving early to go home to my dog and couch? Absolutely not.